Revenge, they say, is sweet. But I disagree. I think it’s bitter-sweet.

Being cheated on, lied to and/or dumped is without question amongst the most painful experiences anyone can have. And the urge to get back at someone who’s treated you that way can be powerful. I have an idea about how you can do it. Wanna hear it?

Okay. First, let me tell what you absolutely shouldn’t do.

Don’t go and sleep with someone else. It may feel like “sauce for the goose” - but you’ll cheapen yourself plus you’ll have badly used and abused another human being for your own gains, and since being used and abused is what you’re complaining about, that’s going to backfire big time. That could haunt you forever, in fact. So don’t do it.

Now, I did once meet a lady who put a large shovel through the windscreen of her cheating husband’s Mercedes, and I do understand that she was a tad annoyed with him that day. But then she had to face a criminal damages charge, and it didn’t do her own divorce settlement any favours either. Damaging property isn’t going to work either. As for damaging them, who do you think you are? John Bobbit’s wife? Seriously, you’ll end up in jail. You just can’t do it.

So, what to do then? How do you get even?

Remember I said I think revenge is bitter-sweet? That’s because if you don’t do it right you can end up being hurt too, mostly by your own hand, as I hope I’ve just demonstrated. What to do is to get happy. Happier than you were when you were together.

You almost certainly aren’t going to be ready for love for a while, so that isn’t the answer for most people. The way forward is to fulfil a dream or two.

Always wanted to learn to sail? Now’s the time! How about take singing lessons, or if you’re already talented in that kind of way, get yourself an agent and do some cabaret! Write your novel, (even if no one reads it!) Be there for you in a way that the person who’s left your life never was.

You can even take yourself on dates! Sounds silly, I know, but it works. You book a table for one at an exclusive restaurant, dress to the nines, take a taxi both ways so you can drink the lovely wine, and you take your favourite novel and enjoy an evening of being waited on hand and foot. Okay, so it’ll cost, but you need to remember that you’re worth a treat.

Which brings me to my final point. If you’re still raw from the pain of what’s happened, do something non-cerebral. That means all the thinking about it and talking about it isn’t going to change what’s happened, and what you need to do right now is to change the way you feel. Talking and thinking won’t achieve that either. Not at first.

So, go and get a Shiatsu massage, or take a day at a spa, (yes, guys can do this too). Aromatherapy also can be a treat - something that involves your senses, but not your mind. Even an hour or two can be extremely therapeutic.

Then go forth and live fully being you. You don’t need to flaunt it. Just enjoy the smug feeling of knowing that you’re healing.

Trevor Emdon is an expert on relationship trust and other self help issues. Check out www.trust-in-relationships.com for details of his latest book and free reports.

Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

HUSBAND:

Chances are that if you suspect your husband is cheating on you, he probably is. But before you call your lawyer or if you think you’re just being paranoid, check out these signs of infidelity.

1. Your cheating husband tells you he just hired a new assistant and that she’s not very pretty. However, when you meet her for the first time, she’s absolutely gorgeous. If your husband isn’t cheating, or thinking about it, he wouldn’t lie to you about her looks.
2. Cheating husband comes home with lipstick on his collar and says a colleague accidentally bumped into him.
3. Suddenly, cheating husband starts coming home later than usual. He makes excuses that he’s working late or hanging around with buddies for a couple of drinks after work. Many times he’s telling the truth, but if it happens more often then not, you may have a problem.
4. You are getting phone calls from women who claim that they work with your husband and have to ask him something important. When cheating husband picks up the phone he whispers, or tells that person that he’ll call later.
5. All of a sudden cheating husband starts exercising and his grooming habits have changed.
6. You find a long blonde hair on the seat of his car.
7. Cheating husband comes home late and you feel like “being romantic” and he tells you he has a headache!
8. He starts bringing you flowers and acts especially nice.
9. The only way to know for sure, is to catch him in the act. If you really believe your husband is cheating, you’ll have to catch him yourself or hire a private detective.
10. One especially good trick to try, is to press the re-dial on his phone. It’s sneaky, but effective. You never know whom he may be calling.

WIFE:

Some men who suspect their wife are cheating may be in denial and refuse to believe it. Well, for all those other men who are willing to seek the truth, check out these signs of a cheating wife.

1. After 10 years of marriage cheating wife tells you that she’s overweight and has hired a personal trainer named “Antonio.”
2. You find a charge slip in the waste basket from a nearby motel by mistake.
3. You find a present she says was from her mother. You open the box and find a pair of sexy panties.
4. You come home one day and find a cigarette butt in the ashtray, yet nobody in the house smokes.
5. She’s uncharacteristically spending money on new clothes.
6. The phone rings several times within a week and when you pick it up they hang up.
7. Cheating wife starts acting like a teenager who has a crush on the quarterback.
8. Your wife tells you that she’s visiting a friend who is sick. This one is a classic, and it works all the time.
9. Cheating wife says that she loves you, but doesn’t act like it. Remember, a person is judged on what they do, not what they say.
10. You are driving in the car together and hear the Eagles song, “Lyin Eyes,” and she cringes as she changes the station.

You’ve got to let your man know exactly how you feel!

Don’t Forget The Cake!!

Liz Phair-Divorce Song

Abuse isn’t limited to acts of physical battery and domestic violence. It can be emotional or psychological, too. The methods used by an abuser can be very subtle or extremely direct. Abusers can be male, female and even children.

When a divorce involves the ending of a marriage in which abuse is a facet of the family dynamics, divorce lawyers and judges have difficulty in knowing just how to deal with it, unless it is physical abuse or the threat of physical abuse that puts a spouse or child in immediate danger or fear of harm. There is legal authority for how they must deal with domestic violence, physical abuse, harassment or stalking that puts a person in fear of his or her safety.

Their difficulty arises, not from a failure to acknowledge and appreciate that an act of emotional or psychological abuse or an isolated act of physical abuse has occurred, but from several other factors. First and foremost is that divorce lawyers and family court judges must build a protective shell around their emotions and mind to enable them to do their jobs. Without the shell, they are too emotionally involved and their logical thought processes are hindered. They have to be very pragmatic and realistic about what effect, if any, the abuse might have on the final outcome of a divorce. The shell is also necessary for the lawyers and judges to maintain their own mental health.

I have heard judges and lawyers alike make the statement, “My job isn’t to counsel this couple on how to get along or on what went wrong in their marriage. My job is to get them legally divorced, split their assets and debts, get the children taken care of, and provide a number for support.”

That statement is both right and wrong. At times, it appears as being very cold and inhumane. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a cop-out to avoid dealing with a very distressing family situation. Sometimes it’s a result of being jaded from hearing too many sad stories. Sometimes it’s a matter of a lawyer or judge hearing about abuse, mentally comparing it to another story of greater magnitude, and then discounting it because it falls short of the other family’s situation.

When a lawyer learns about abuse from a client, the lawyer has to make a decision about just how the abuse could be used in negotiations or trial.

• If the law permits, does the abuse rise to a level that could cause a judge to make a lop-sided financial decision, either in support or the division of property?
• Is the abuse recent enough to make any difference?
• Is there a long history of continued abuse or is it an isolated, one-time incident or is there a history of abuse in the past, but none recently?
• Has it had a long term effect on the victim and/or the children? Will a physician or mental health professional be able to testify as to the effect?
• What is the history of the actions taken by the victim after he or she has been abused?
• What has the abuser done, if anything, to try to correct or control his or her abusive behavior? What has the victim done, if anything, to try to get the abuser to stop or to get help stopping?
• How relevant is the client’s account of the abuse to the potential outcome of the divorce? Is there enough money or assets to make it worthwhile to pursue relief? Is domestic violence and the custody of children involved and if so, what is the victim’s position on the abuser’s access to the children after the divorce?
• Is it a he-said/she-said thing? Are there witnesses, medical records, police records, documents to support the client’s version of the abusive incidents?
• Will the abuser care whether or not there is an exposure of the family’s abusive relationship? Just how much leverage does the threat of such exposure give the victim? If exposed, what is the risk of the abuser escalating his or her abusive behavior? Is the risk for further abuse worth it to the victim and/or the victim’s family?
• Would it be better for the victim to pursue relief for the abusive acts now–in the divorce action? Or, would it be better for the victim to seek compensation and punitive damages in a marital tort action? If so, what strategy must be used to preserve the victim’s right to pursue such an action?

Those are a lot of tough questions, and it’s just a few of those that a divorce lawyer examines before making any final decisions on how to proceed with the presentation and handling of abuse in a divorce. The answers are all a judgment call to be made by the lawyer based upon his or her knowledge of the law, how each particular judge thinks and rules on similar family situations, and on instinct and experience.

To follow up on the first paragraph, here are a few examples of abuse that can occur in a relationship. Some of them are what I classify as very subtle, mind-control abusive behaviors.

• Threatening to destroy or harm something that is of value to the victim. Along with that goes the act of causing harm or destruction.
• Threatening to harm, or actually causing harm to, a person or pet loved by the victim.
• Unjust or excessive punishment of a person (particularly a child) or pet loved by the victim. Along with that comes the message, “I have to do this because of you.” and/or “You must watch and listen to what I am doing here.”
• Forcing children to observe or participate in abusive behavior directed at a spouse. The message here is, “See what your *mommy or daddy* has done. *She or He* has been bad and has to be punished. You have to hear this because I don’t want you to do the same thing.” Or, “You have to help me keep an eye on *mommy or daddy* and tell me if *she or he* does this again. If you don’t and I find out about it, you will be in trouble just like *she or he* is.”
• Unreasonably preventing the victim from having access to money, people, pets, property or anything else that the person values. For example, a wife telling her husband that he can’t have anything to do with his children from a prior marriage because he shortchanges her and their children if he does. Another example would be a husband putting a locking mechanism on the car so his wife couldn’t drive it anywhere without his permission.
• Persistent name-calling and labeling with the intention of making someone feel inadequate, weak, bad, or sick. An example would be of the husband who learned that his wife had spoken with her high school boyfriend. He accused her of things much worse than what she did — talking to the guy on the telephone for 30 minutes. Her husband kept after her for years, telling her that she was a tramp, unfaithful, etc. — you get the picture. After a while, she actually came to believe that she had defiled their marriage, been unfaithful, and was unworthy to have custody of their children or any financial benefit from the marriage.
• Obsessive control over what someone else does. Something that I’ve seen a bit of is a spouse who makes the other spouse account, in detail, for what he or she has done every minute of every day. If the account is lacking in any way, the controlling spouse can become angry, even more controlling, very aggressive, more manipulative, or very secretive and suspicious of meaningless, trivial things.
• Taking away a person’s freedom to make decisions, go places, speak with people, have friends, etc.

The bottom line with some forms of abuse is that it’s where persuasion crosses the line to coercion, force and destruction of self-esteem. With persuasion, someone can try to encourage you with words and actions to do what he or she wants. Persuasion doesn’t make you feel afraid for your safety or for that of something or someone you love. Persuasion doesn’t make you feel as if you are unworthy or bad. Persuasion doesn’t make you believe that the only reply you can give is, “Yes, I’ll do what you want…just don’t…..” Coercion and forcing others to bow to your will crosses the line into abusive behavior.

If a divorce lawyer or judge acts like he or she doesn’t care about the abuse you may describe, that may not be the case. It could be that the abusive behavior you describe, when compared to the worst story they’ve heard that week and on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, doesn’t come anywhere near a 10. Or, it could be that the law doesn’t give the judge any way to give you any relief in the divorce. After all, a legal divorce action is nothing more than dividing the assets and debts, arranging for the support of children or a dependent spouse, and providing for where the children’s primary residence will be and giving each parent the opportunity to have time with their children.

by Laura Johnson

Hello everyone,

I’m 14 and my parents have been separated since I was 2, divorced when I was 12.

I just wanted to offer you all one small piece of advice. After a divorce make sure you stay in touch with your kids. It is the hardest thing in the world for a child to not know where their mother or father is and not know for sure that they love them.

My father made the mistake of losing touch without ever explaining why to me, my brother, and my sister. My brother and sister now hate him and will have nothing to do with him. I have managed to get in touch with him and have seen him twice in the past three years, but he still will not call my house. If I want to talk to him I need to call him.

Never let this happen between you and your kids. It causes so much unnecessary pain for both sides involved.  Also, if you’re planning on getting a divorce don’t just leave in the middle of th night thinking no one is watching. I saw my father preparing to leave and, even though I was young at the time, I can remember it like it was yesterday. My father doesn’t know that I saw him. This memory has haunted me for so long. If my dad had just told me he was leaving it would have made it easier on me and my siblings.

Please just think about what I have said.

Jill

One of the most frequently asked questions about hiring a divorce lawyer is, “What questions do I ask?” To help you ask the right questions so you get the answers you need during an interview of a divorce lawyer, the Divorce Lawyer Questionnaire is copied from Divorce Strategy.

Attorney Questionnaire

Use the following list of questions to conduct an interview and learn information about a divorce lawyer before you hire that person to represent you.

• How long have you been practicing law?
• How much of your entire practice is specifically in family law?
• What is your hourly rate?
• Do you have other people who usually work on your cases with you? If so, what is their profession and experience? What do you charge for their time?
• What do you anticipate is the role that these people will have in my divorce?
• What is the retainer amount? Is any of it refunded if I should change my mind or we decide to not go through with the divorce?
• What other types of charges besides attorneys fees will there likely be? (long distance telephone, copies, facsimile charges, etc.)
• Describe a time line for how you believe my divorce will progress.
• Do you have a set procedure for handling a divorce case., If so, please describe how you would proceed with a typical divorce case.
• What do you expect from me as a client?
• What percentage of your divorce cases are resolved by a trial versus the percentage that are settled?

One question that isn’t on this list is: “Given the facts of my case as I have presented them to you, what do you believe is the best, reasonable outcome that I can expect to get from the divorce?” Unless you are paying for a consultation, most divorce lawyers will not answer that question in full until after you have hired him or her to represent you in your divorce. Even then, some divorce lawyers will “hem and haw” and tell you that there’s no way to know what the outcome be as it is all in the hands of the court. You shouldn’t accept that answer. The answers to these types of questions are very important to you as they will become the basis for your evaluation of any settlement proposal. Keep pushing for specific answers to specific questions.

by Laura Johnson

Jill Greenstein is a psychologist who works at the Putnam Valley Elementary School located about 50 miles northwest of New York City. Her work with the students at the school has involved a group called Banana Splits.

Mrs. Greenstein says, “Banana Splits groups are for children who are experiencing a loss of family cohesiveness through separation or divorce. Many children got together in these groups to work with me on understanding their family situations, sharing their feelings and experiences and giving and getting advice. These groups help children handle the feelings often associated with divorce and separation.

After meeting for the year, these children came up with ‘advice for parents’. Although presented as advice for parents undergoing separation and/or divorce, this advice is appropriate for all of us!”

Advice for Parents

• Spend alone time with all your children.
• Tell the truth and don’t break promises or lie.
• Don’t fight, yell, etc. in front of your children — it makes your children scared and worried.
• Help your children with their homework.
• Share important information with your children.
• Listen to your children and pay attention to them.
• Have patience with your children and try not to get too angry.
• When you’re angry, try not to take it out on your children.
• Communicate your feelings.

Mrs. Greenstein also advocates the following Bill of Rights.

Bill Of Rights Fof Children Whose Parents Are Separated/Divorced

• The right not to be asked to “choose sides” between their parents.
• The right not to be told the details of bitter or nasty legal proceedings going on between their parents.
• The right not to be told “bad things” about the other parent’s personality or character or behavior.
• The right to privacy when talking to either parent on the telephone.
• The right not to be cross-examined by one parents after visiting the other parent.
• The right not to be asked to be a messenger from one parent to the other.
• The right not to be asked by one parent to tell theother parent untruths.
• The right not to be used as a confidant regarding the legal proceedings between the parents.
• The right to express feelings, whatever these feelings may be.
• The right to choose not to express certain feelings.
• The right to be protected from parental warfare.
• The right not to be made to feel guilty for loving both parents.

Advice for Parents and the Bill of Rights were reprinted with permission from Jill Greenstein.

Divorce can be a dirty business when in the hands of lawyers who play power games to gain an unfair advantage over the other side. The same applies for angry, vindictive soon-to-be ex-spouses who have a “win at all costs” attitude. If this happens in your divorce, there are few things that you can do to control the other side, but there are several things you can do to prepare and manage the divorce.

The first thing to do is recognize a scheme and power play when you see it. The second thing is to not lose your cool and try to fight fire with fire. It will only cause things to escalate and your entire family will suffer. The final step is to think ahead and plan positive steps to counter your spouse’s power game. Get outside help if necessary.

The following list has descriptions and examples of some of those nasty tricks lawyers and their clients will sometimes pull. If your lawyer recommends that you do this, he or she is setting you up to take unfair advantage of your soon-to-be ex-spouse. If you do these things, don’t be surprised if your actions come back to haunt you after the divorce!

• Take the money out of jointly held bank accounts, put it all into an account in your name alone and don’t tell your spouse about it beforehand. Then let your spouse handle the problems associated with covering the bounced checks. This causes the most confusion and distress if your spouse usually writes the checks to pay the household bills.
• Use credit cards to purchase and stock up on personal items or make large purchases. Make sure to use the cards for which your spouse is the primary cardholder. This is especially effective at the beginning or near the end of a divorce. One lawyer actually told her client to go out the day before the settlement hearing and use her husband’s credit cards to purchase all the items she needed to set up her new household. Her husband would then be stuck with the bills because he had agreed to be responsible for the debt on his credit card as of the day of the divorce, which he didn’t know contained the charges made by his wife.
• If you have moved out of the family home and are the primary source of income for the family, refuse to pay any household bills or send any support until you are forced to do it by the court. This is one of the steps in a routine called “Starve Out The Other Spouse”. The goal is to get the other spouse in a financial position where he or she, out of desperation, will accept an unfair settlement.
• If your spouse doesn’t have an income withholding order, wait until the latest possible day to pay support money, even if you’ve got the money to send. In some states support doesn’t become delinquent until it’s 30 days past due and your spouse can’t do anything to you until the 31st day. Never mind that your spouse just might need the money to pay bills or buy things for the children.
• Petition the court for primary custody of your children when you will actually agree to a joint custody or visitation arrangement. The real purpose for the request is to strike fear into the heart of your spouse and use it as a club to get your spouse to give up on something else, usually a financial issue.
• Refuse to speak with your spouse about anything, including arrangements for him or her to have parenting time with your children. This falls into the category of a tactic used by some lawyers to create conflict, create issues that don’t need to exist, increase legal fees and wear the other side down. It can also cause a serious break in parent-child ties if the noncustodial parent doesn’t get to see the children because he or she can’t set up any parenting time.
• File a bogus petition to have your spouse excluded from the family home under your state’s protection from abuse laws.

These are just a few of the sneaky things that can and have happened in divorces. They are sometimes successful, but are very destructive to any meaningful and fair settlement discussions. In addition, the residual hard-feelings and bitterness they can leave after the divorce could hamper you and your ex-spouse’s ability to effectively co-parent your children. What’s more, they often lead to post-divorce legal proceedings costing additional and unnecessary legal fees which most recently divorced people can ill afford.

Getting a divorce is really just a risk/reward type of thing for some people. Is the risk and potential loss if you get caught by your dirty tricks worth any potential benefit, financial or otherwise, that you might get if you win the game? Think about it? Are you really the winner — or are the lawyers the real winners?

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Disclaimer

The author and publisher of this article have done their best to give you useful and accurate information. This article does not replace the advice you should get from a lawyer, accountant or other professional if the content of the article involves an issue you are facing. Divorce laws vary from state-to-state and change from time-to-time. In addition, it is a very fact-specific area of the law, meaning that the particular facts of your marriage and divorce, as well as other external factors may determine how the law is applied in your situation. Always consult with a qualified professional before making any decisions about the issues described in this article. Thank you.
by Laura Johnson

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