What Are The Legal Grounds For Divorce

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 28-06-2009

legal grounds for divorce, fault and no-fault divorceThere are two different categories for legal grounds for divorce: “Fault” and “No Fault”.

What is “No Fault” divorce?

“No Fault” divorce is when the spouse suing for divorce does not have to prove that his or her spouse did something wrong. Every state recognizes the legal grounds for divorce regardless of who is at fault.

To get a No Fault divorce, the suing spouse just simply states a reason recognized by that state. In most cases, it’s enough to say that the couple cannot get along, (these go by the names “incompatibility,” or “irreconcilable differences”).

In many instances however, the couple must live apart for a period of months or even years in order to get a No Fault divorce. One spouse cannot stop a No Fault divorce. Objecting to a spouse’s request for divorce is itself an irreconcilable difference that would justify the divorce. There is a 60 day waiting period before the court grants a divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences.

It is important to do some research for the state you live in since a No Fault divorce is the only option allowed by a number of states. The other states recognize both a No Fault divorce or a Fault divorce.

What is “Fault” divorce?

Fault divorce is a divorce granted on one of the following:

* cruelty (inflicting emotional or physical pain) - this is the most frequently used grounds for legal divorce
* adultery
* desertion for a specified period of time
* being confined in prison for a set number of years, and
* physically unable to engage in sexual intercourse, if it was not disclosed before marriage.

Some people choose a Fault divorce because they don’t want to wait out the period of separation required by their state’s law for a No Fault divorce. Also in some states, a spouse who proves the other spouse is at fault may receive a greater share of the marital property or more alimony.

Since the legal grounds for divorce vary from state to state, choose the grounds that applies to your situation and is legal in your state. Use the guidelines below to do your research.

1) Each state has different laws about divorce. Check the laws of your state yourself or talk to an attorney to define what the legal grounds for divorce are in your state.

2) Some states allow divorce based simply on irreconcilable differences. You don’t have to give any reason other than that.

3) Realize that in some states it is more (or less) difficult to obtain a divorce.

4) Abandonment by your spouse is legal grounds for divorce in some states. There is usually a time requirement before you can file for divorce.

5) You should give consideration on the way your spouse treats you. Many states allow divorce if there is cruel or inhuman treatment.

6) Legal separation is also grounds for a divorce. Many states have a requirement that you must be legally separated for a specified period of time before you can divorce using separation as a reason

7) Serious consideration should be given when using adultery as legal grounds for divorce. Adultery occurs when one spouse has sexual intercourse with someone else during the marriage. Most states require a lot of proof if using adultery as grounds. This can often be very unpleasant and confrontational.

The information provided is by no means a complete compendium of the legal grounds for divorce, rather a basic framework to begin your research. If both partners are in agreement a divorce can be a simple procedure. If not in agreement, it can become a time consuming, tedious, and expensive procedure. Knowing your rights can help alleviate some of this confusion and expense.

Why Women Divorce Men

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 10-06-2009

why women divorce menAs far as the statistics are concerned there is overwhelming evidence that the majority of divorce cases are filed by women. Though the majority of cases go uncontested, there is a sizeable number which are contested by the partners.

There can be several reasons for women seeking divorce from their husbands. Some of them are:

Infidelity: This historically largest cause of the disruptions of marriage continues to enjoy its dubious number one position even today. Infidelity is without arguments the biggest cause of marriages turning towards divorce in the modern age.

The reasons for the same are not difficult to gauge. In today’s day and age men and women spend more time at the workplace than their homes. The long hours being spent at the offices translate into increased interaction with the colleagues. At the same time the amount of interaction at home decreases accordingly. This gives rise to greater chances of striking a wholesome chemistry at the workplace with the colleagues.

At the same time the home life may start to suffer as the individuals get more and more embroiled in the office. There are so many avenues for interaction amongst people that striking a relationship is no longer a distant prospect.

Dominating Behaviour: Man has been the undisputed boss of the family, ever since the concept of family came into being. This trait has got historical underlining to it. Throughout history man has been the chief bread earner of the family. He has had the role of being both the provider as well as the protector of his family. This automatically put him in the place of the family head.

In the modern context things have changed to an extent. The women have also moved out of the hearth to the offices. They are no longer willing to let men enjoy their positioning as the undisputed head of the family unit. Where ever men are unable to come to terms with this new mentality of the fairer sex, a conflict of interests is bound to take place.

In such eventualities men may try to assert their dominance in the family in unacceptable terms. Then it will be the woman who has to decide whether or not she wants to accept the given mentality of her husband and give up her freedom or part ways with him. In today’s date when individualism is at an all time high this conflict of interests becomes another cause of divorce.

Physical Abuse: A marriage is meant to be a loving relationship. There may be discordant notes from time to time, yet these are there even in most healthy associations. However if things are not kept in control, then they can turn into an inferno which can consume the marriage.

This is especially true in cases where the man has a tendency to resort to physical violence. This can break the backbone of even the most understanding relationships. Physical abuse can become truly unbearable for the suffering partner.

There are instances where the woman is the culprit and the man is at the receiving end. These instances are, however, in the minority. In the case of overwhelming physical abuse also, women tend to file for divorce.

Emotional Abuse: As already stated marriage is a relationship of love. If one of the two partners starts becoming overbearing and it begins to impact the life of the other partner negatively, then the marriage is heading towards a collapse.

This becomes true in cases where the husband tries to prove his dominance by giving a feeling of inferiority to his wife. As long as the woman is willing to take the emotional abuse, things are fine. Yet the day she decides to put an end to the trauma, it is a clear signal that either the man has to change his ways or a divorce is looming large on the horizon.

Lack of Communication: This is another area where the women decide to opt out of marriage. Most marriages break on account of lack of communication, after infidelity and abuse. This is not surprising since communication is the bedrock of every human relationship.

If one is unable to communicate his or her deepest desires to his or her partner then a breakdown is bound to happen sooner or later. This can be easily avoided by both partners sitting calmly across the table and discussing various issues. However it does not happen so easily.

Their egos can come into the way. Each partner may wait for the other to make the first move. Or else they may become simply intolerable to each other. Small issues can become big irritants. All this can also lead to the women filing for divorce.

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com

Children Of Divorce: The Sad, Shocking Statistics

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 22-05-2009

divorceThough no one should presume to understand the circumstances which lead to the decision to divorce, or indeed discount a couples reasoning for divorce, it is worth understanding and considering the statistical evidence which demonstrates the damage divorce can do to a family and child. It is up to a separating couple to identify when and where they can lessen the impact of divorce upon their children, and these statistics may go some way to helping them to identify those areas where children are most vulnerable.

Firstly, an unpleasant truth about marriage in the USA: Half of all marriages are expected to fail before a child reaches 18 (Fagan, Fitzgerald, Rector, The Effects of Divorce On America), and nearly one in four children will see their parents’ divorce twice before adulthood (Furstenberg, Peterson, Nord, and Zill, Life Course).
Now we will take a look at a statistical representation of the various emotional impacts of divorce.

American teenagers in single parent families and in blended families are three times more likely to need psychological help within a given year. (Peter Hill, Recent Advances in Selected Aspects of Adolescent Development, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 1993)

Unfortunately, when compared to children from homes disrupted by death, children from divorced homes have statistically more psychological problems. (Robert E. Emery, Marriage, Divorce and Children’s Adjustment, Sage Publications, 1988).

Children in divorced families have a greater risk of injury, asthma, headaches and speech defects than those from an un-separated family. (Dawson, Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well Being, National Health Interview Survey on Child Health, Journal of Marriage and the Family)

Sadly, following divorce, children are fifty percent more likely to develop health problems than two parent families. (Angel, Worobey, Single Motherhood and Children’s Health)

In regards to parenting statistics:

79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award
29.9% of custodial fathers receive a support award.
46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support.
26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support.
[Technical Analysis Paper No. 42 - U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services - Office of Income Security Policy]

But what do all these statistics add up to?

Children from fatherless homes are:

4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,
6.6 times to become teenage mothers,
24.3 times more likely to run away,
15.3 times more likely to have behavioural disorders,
6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,
10.8 times more likely to commit rape,
6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,
15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager

(”Marriage: The Safest Place for Women and Children”, by Patrick F. Fagan and Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D. Backgrounder #1535.)
These disturbing statistics go some way to highlighting the severe impact a poorly handled divorce and resulting separation can have on children.

The best way to handle a divorce effectively with limited lasting impact on yourself and your children, is to hire a family law specialist who will help to guide your family effectively through this difficult time that won’t have a lasting effect on you or your family.

Author:  Elijah James

Youi can find a vast array of information and resources on the best Divorce Lawyer Attorney and Family Law experts on our newly established website www.webfamilylaw.com. Visit us today for more information.

Celebrity Divorce Proceedings Require Heightened Privacy, Sensitivity and Attention

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 04-05-2009

nick and jessica break-upOur American culture is one that has become obsessed with all things celebrity. We often know more about the love lives and personal struggles of the top Hollywood movie stars, sports figures and athletes, and singers in our country than we do about members of our own families. Moreover, all of this information can be gathered just from standing in line at the grocery store. We have television programs—even entire networks—that are dedicated to tracking the day-to-day lives of celebrities and public figures. For some reason, the interest from readers and viewers seems to be heightened when the celebrity or public figure is going through a rough period in his or her life. Just think about the fascination with Britney Spears’ infamous meltdown during which she adopted a carefree hairstyle, did some damage with an umbrella, and lost custody of her children. Those images were plastered everywhere. Patrick Swayze is currently battling with courage against an aggressive form of pancreatic cancer, but the tabloids cannot wait to publish photos of him looking like his death is imminent. What is it about us that create such a fascination with watching others fall?

One area of celebrity life in which the public interest is particularly peaked is the difficult decision that two people make to file for a divorce. Every couple that decides to split faces difficult emotional and legal struggles. Add to this a media spotlight that scrutinizes every detail of the divorce proceedings and a public that determines the probable cause for the animosity and the guilty parties and you have what can quickly become an unbearable situation for the participants. Whether appropriate or not, there are countless high-profile celebrity divorces that have captivated our attention. Elizabeth Taylor was one of the frontrunners in achieving the media spotlight on her many divorces. More recently, we have gone through the sagas of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, and countless others. Just rectnly, Mel Gibson and his wife of twenty-eight years have announced that they will be getting a divorce. Web sites and talk shows are already buzzing about how this legal settlement will be the most expensive in celebrity divorce settlement history. There always seems to be a new celebrity relationship ending in a volatile fashion to satisfy our appetites for gossip.

What often gets lost in these stories is the fact that two very real people, with emotions and feelings, are caught up in the circumstances. There also may be innocent children involved who did not ask to be celebrities and now face the possibility of seeing their parents’ personal arguments splashed across the evening news. Child custody and divorce attorneys who work with celebrities must be aware of the heightened need for privacy concerning all documentation that is printed and every conversation that takes place within office walls. That is why it is so important to hire the right law firm.

The law firms that are representing each party in a celebrity divorce must be certain that confidentiality agreements are signed by all employees involved in the case, that shredders are handy and used often, and that computer files are secure from hackers and simply those in the office who have no business seeing sensitive material. We all know how much money certain publications are willing to pay for a single piece of paper that may reveal an unsavory detail about a public figure or Hollywood celebrity. And, once a celebrity divorce client leaves a divorce attorney’s office and heads into the courtroom, there are additional issues of privacy that must be addressed. A lawyer who is working as the best possible advocate for his client will petition the family law court to close the proceedings to the public or seal the paperwork associated with a celebrity case. If a complete sealing of the records is not permitted, efforts should be made at least to keep private the specific documents that could be damaging to a client’s reputation. Whether fair or not, the public will take very painful episodes that occurred between two people and use this information against a celebrity even if his ability to excel in his chosen field has no connection to the allegations. Even worse, the court of public opinion often will not wait to discover if the assertions made in filed court documents are true before rendering their own verdict. With this greater need for privacy concerning celebrity divorces in mind, there is an additional component to consider beyond the standard confidentiality that exists between every attorney and client. The reality is that a celebrity’s public image or celebrity status is often crucial to his or her continued success on the ball field, stage, or in front of the camera. Beyond simply reaching the best divorce settlement or result possible for the client, an attorney who is representing a celebrity during a divorce must handle the client’s image and how information concerning the legal proceedings is being distributed to the media. The divorce lawyer representing the celebrity must suddenly adopt the additional role of public relations expert in maneuvering through this delicate environment.

An estranged spouse with a grudge or a former employee who was privy to family secrets can be very dangerous to a celebrity who has carefully created a perception for the world to see. On the other hand, personal assistants, agents, and managers who are happy with their celebrity employers and want to ensure that they continue to have success in their chosen fields are some of the best resources when building evidence in a divorce case. Who better to vouch for a celebrity client’s schedule and personal priorities than someone who helps to plan his every move? Divorce lawyers must know how to work with these important witnesses to establish a sense of trust and confidence and then assist these representatives in molding a positive image of the client to news and other media outlets. When working with a celebrity client, the divorce attorney role necessarily extends well beyond the courtroom or office setting.

Law firms representing celebrity clients should have extensive experience handling the sensitive issues that are specific to celebrity divorces and child custody cases. Such divorce lawyers must take extraordinary measures to maintain their clients’ privacy and work with them to craft that all-important good standing in the public eye. Law firms representing celebrity clients should share the primary commitment to protecting their high-profile clients. They should work as a legal team to ensure the uninterrupted protection that celebrities require. This holds true from the moment a celebrity is assisted with a discreet entrance into our offices, through the negotiations that take place between all involved parties, and even after a settlement has been reached and signed. When you combine this extra step with the dedication and aggressive representation that our provide to every client, regardless of whether or not his face is recognizable to the public, those who are experiencing the painful steps of the divorce process can have confidence that their case will be given thorough attention.

Celebrities and others with large marital estates (most are multi-million dollar estates) who have a great deal at stake, both professionally and financially, should make certain that the attorneys they are hiring to guide them through a difficult divorce are prepared to take those extra steps that are needed in these unique circumstances.

To learn more about the scope of our legal services in celebrity and child custody divorce cases, contact one of our knowledgeable experienced divorce attorneys at Bertolino LLP. Our law firm maintains offices in Austin, Houston and San Antonio. http://www.belolaw.com

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 05-03-2009

sexy girl A cheating man can only hide his cheating ways for so long before he gets caught. The longer a man cheats, the higher probability he will get caught. In this busy day and age, it is difficult to carry on more than one relationship. However, with inventions like the internet, accessibility to willing partners has become easier than ever. There are various ways of how to tell if your man is cheating. We have listed the top 10 signs of a cheating man below. How to know if your man is cheating? If your man exhibits any of the below, it may be time to take a closer look.

1. Spends less time with you. A cheating man must use the excuse of working long hours, extra meetings and dinners or other unexplained functions so he will have time with his “other” woman.

2. Isn’t as affectionate any more. Your sex life in almost non-existent because of his other commitments. He doesn’t want to cuddle, watch a movie, hold hands or do many of the touchy things he used to.

3. He changes his physical appearance. A cheating man usually starts buying new clothes, gets a new hair style or begins working out because he wants to be attractive to the other woman in his life besides you.

4. Car changes. The passenger seat in the car has been moved or there is an unknown hair on the car seat. Perhaps the radio station is on an irregular station because that’s what she likes.

5. Cheating man becomes more short-tempered because of the guilty feelings as a result of the infidelity. Things that usually did not bother them suddenly start bothering them.

6. A cheating man may smell of perfume, smoke or alcohol, especially if he hasn’t had time to change them from meeting with her.

7. Behavioral changes. A cheating man frequently becomes defensive when questioned about his whereabouts. He may turn it around to accuse you of being insecure, possessive or snoopy.

8. Cell phone changes. A cheating man can not leave his telephone turned on when with you because his other woman may phone him. He may leave the room to have a telephone conversation or say strange things after he picks up a message from his lover. Watch for calls in the middle of the night. If you have access to his telephone bill, check it closely. Look for repeated unknown numbers, times and durations.

9. Computer usage changes. A cheating man may utilize a computer to seek out partners or communicate with. If your man is on his computer for long periods of time at night and he closes the door so you won’t see him, he may be communicating or chatting with his love interest.

10. Changes in spending habits. You can tell if your man is cheating if he is suddenly always broke. He’s broke because he is spending all of his money on the other woman. Watch as to whether he is paying with cash and making more frequent ATM withdrawals to cover his paper trail. Check any receipts, bill’s or stubs that you may have access to.

Once you know if your man is cheating or not, make sure you have a plan of action that you will take after you accuse him. You need to decide whether it’s time for you to move on or whether this relationship may be worth a second chance.

 

Stephany Alexander is a relationship expert and CEO/Founder of WomanSavers.com - The World’s Largest Database Rating Men. She holds a degree in Communications and is the author of the book “Sex, Lies and the Internet.”

Secret Double Life - Red Flags That Expose Your Cheating Spouse

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 26-02-2009

sad woman, depressionDo you fear your spouse is cheating on you, leading a double life? If you suspect something, but cannot be certain, there are signs to watch for that will give away their secret. These plainly obvious red flags will help you put an end to your spouses infidelity.

At the onset of any new relationship, there is a desire to give the other person what they want. Each will mold themselves to suit the other; if it means to make them happy and closer. Examples you might be witness to include changes to clothing styles, new perfume or cologne, even a heightened exercise regime. Your spouse’s little secret lover might like your spouse to wear certain things, or smell a certain way. These would be considered drastic changes. If your spouse has been wearing the same styles and using the same perfume or cologne for a long time, a sudden change could mean something is up.

When in a new relationship, each person will be nearly overwhelmed with thoughts of the other. You might notice that your spouse spends considerably more time daydreaming. They will be less focused on you and the household as they spend time in thought and that next encounter with the new flame. There will be less desire to participate in things with you and friends, as this would distract them from where they want to be. If a normally alert spouse seems lost in “la-la” land, it might be due to an affair.

Sex and intimacy with your spouse will probably suffer when they are leading a double life. If they are active in a sexual manner with their new flame, they are less likely going to come to you for it. They probably will make excuse after excuse to avoid any intimate time with you - we have all heard the regular lines: “I’m tired”, “Not tonight, I have a headache”. And in a twisted way, if they are intimate with you, and their “dedication” is with their new flame, it would feel like they were cheating. While there can be many reasons for lack of sexual drive, you should consider this a red flag.

These are a few basic signs to watch out for. If you feel something is just not right, do not wait until it is far past too late - take action now to stop the infidelity. Additional signs that your spouse is leading a double life can be found through my website: http://catch-a-cheating-spouse-how-tos.blogspot.com/

Author:  David - David writes articles related to issues with relationships. Visit his web site: http://infidelity-cheating-affairs.blogspot.com/

Spying on Your Spouse’s Computer? What Digital Evidence Means for the Future of Divorce

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 16-02-2009

pretty blue eyeLike many other things in our lives, technology has changed the face of divorce forever. Whether text messages, cell phone records or email messages, digital evidence has increasingly become part of nearly every contentious divorce case and/or custody issue. With people relying more and more on digital communication and paperless transmissions, the computer has become an even more integral part of daily life. 

A recent poll conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 88 percent of its members surveyed had seen a “dramatic increase” in such evidence. Statistics from many electronic discovery and computer forensics firms indicate that more than a third of electronic discovery cases are divorce-related. In divorce, digital evidence can be the most damning in terms of financial deceit/disclosure and/or ex-marital affairs. The evidence can be devastating. 

Employing a private investigator isn’t the only way to gather evidence in divorce or child custody proceedings anymore. Valid and dependable methods to recover data from computers as part of discovery in divorce proceedings are becoming essential for divorce lawyers. This is particularly true in cases with larger estates, complicated business or real estate holdings or multi-jurisdictional assets. Snooping through files, staking out hotel rooms and snapping photos have been replaced with forensic hard drive examinations, key logging and sophisticated software tracking programs which often provide more concrete and excuse-proof evidence. And, there’s more. There are newer technologies also being used to collect evidence against spouses. Cell phone records are almost always admissible in divorce court, E-Z pass toll records have been subpoenaed to catch cheaters in lies and GPS devices have been sneakily applied to vehicles by suspicious spouses in order to track one’s whereabouts. 

IN light of this new time of evidence, it’s critical to hire an attorney and computer forensic expert capable of finding critical information and effectively presenting it in court.

 A forensic analysis can serve as a valuable tool in high conflict california divorce cases where there is suspicion of wealth transfers or prove infidelity. Information that can be obtained can include:

- e-mail and instant messages

- user names and passwords;

- names and addresses of financial institutions

- asset and/or fund transfers;

- debt information and account activity

- Recovering deleted, encrypted, or damaged file information. 
 

What many people don’t realize is that deleted information is never truly deleted. Re-formatting the hard drive of a computer does not erase stored data; it usually just erases the links that point to where the data can be located. And the harsh reality is that in many instances, the most important evidence is proof that there was the attempt to destroy data. The consequences of discovering undisclosed assets or other relevant information in divorce can be profound. The party that fails to disclose the asset during the divorce process may be required to pay attorney’s fees turn over the asset to the other party or to the court in a receivership proceeding in addition to calling into question that party’s credibility in the proceedings. Actively pursing this avenue of investigation may be the difference between losing out on significant assets or uncovering a plethora of financial information including investments and real estate holdings even if they are held in the name of another person or sheltered as part of a holding company.

For example, in one particular divorce proceeding that I handled, discovery was served to acquire financial records and emails related to one spouse’s income derived from his business. It was later discovered through emails from this spouse to his business partners, that he was funneling significant funds from the business to three different people as well as a dummy corporation in order to get around reporting the income.

In another case, discovery was used to prove infidelity. This is becoming a more common practice in highly contentious custody proceedings because this evidence can be used to prove one spouse’s priorities are with this “personal relationship” rather than with their children. Another use for electronic discovery in custody issues is using a computer’s search history to prove discrepancies in one spouse’s lifestyle including such behaviors as gambling and pornography.

The digital path left by cheating or financially deceitful spouses provide evidence so powerful, it can’t be denied. The law is struggling to keep up with new technology. The divorce laws in many states are evolving to accommodate the increase of evidence extracted from computer hard drives, but the legal bounds are arguably still unclear. Family court judges are faced with tough decisions about the legality of such evidence and in the absence of established laws in certain states addressing digital evidence; they are forced to make difficult judgment calls about what constitutes a violation of privacy.

Divorce is very common in today’s legal landscape and electronic discovery continues to play a critical role. High stakes battles over marriage settlements and child custody arrangements make each attorney’s strategy the key to an optimum outcome.

6 Divorce Questions

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 07-02-2009

young upset coupleQuestions about divorce usually begin with people asking their friends who have already gone through the divorce process. They are generally subtle so the person being asked doesn’t really know that the one asking is contemplating a divorce. They ask questions about how the kids are doing or whether they’re still in touch with their ex. To those who haven’t gone through divorce the whole thing is a big mystery and very scary. Usually the person who is contemplating divorce has a friend they will soon confide in to gain support for their own move in that direction. A person being asked is seen as somewhat of an expert because they have gone through it, and the person being asked finds some relief from their own pain by sharing their experience. Unfortunately the questions that are being asked are the wrong questions. Usually the first question that is asked once the person comes clean is, “Was it worth it?” The typical response is the response of someone who felt they had no choice in the matter, so they answer yes. I would prefer other questions were asked rather than “how to” questions. So I have prepared a list of 6 divorce questions along with the truthful answers.

1. Was the person you divorced the same person you married?
2. Was your spouse a good mother or father, or did they beat or otherwise abuse your children?
3. Were you a loving spouse, or did you not care anymore?
4. Do you love your spouse?
5. Did you ever get a marriage manual?
6. Are your kids really doing OK now that you are divorced?

I met with someone today who was in tremendous pain because he didn’t know what to do anymore; he was losing his wife. His situation was so bad that his wife wouldn’t meet with he and I together. The truth is he was not a good husband and was quick to blame his wife for the breakdown of their relationship. They have two little children and so I agreed to meet with him alone, even though I usually don’t meet with only one of a couple.

When I asked him if he still loved his wife his response, although in the affirmative, was not very strong. When I asked him if he loved his children his response was clear as a bell. He was worn out and didn’t know what to do. I asked him if he read the marriage manual and he said he hadn’t ever heard of one. I said, “I know; until I wrote it there wasn’t one, so don’t be too hard on yourself for completely screwing up your marriage” (I only talk to men that way). I explained to him that he was like a guy who found himself in the cockpit of a plane, and had no idea how to fly. To make matters worse when he looks back he sees two children, and a woman depending on him to fly the plane. Now I’m not suggesting a marriage only requires a man knowing what to do, but it was an illustration he could relate to. He needed to understand that he simply didn’t have the tools needed to be successful.

I asked him if his wife was a good mother to their children and he acknowledged that he had some difficulties with some of her practices. I got all over him (again, a man to man conversation is much different) for having the audacity to point to a few particular things he didn’t care about, rather than point to some of the amazing things she does with the children. He understood what I was driving at. He had the choice, and had chosen, to be mean rather than supportive. So I questioned him some more about her virtues vs. her negative qualities, this time he pointed out her superior qualities, telling me he understood my point.

I asked him if his wife was as beautiful and charming as when he first met her, dated her and eventually asked her to marry him. He acknowledged that she was even more so. I then asked him why he didn’t continue to treat her the way he did when they first met. I asked him if someone gave him permission to start abusing her. He said no, and he also said he was starting to understand my point of view.

I told him he needed to read the Lessons For A Happy Marriage book, which covers all of these topics from many perspectives, in order to prove marriage is heaven on earth, when you know what to do.

Before you get a divorce or even seriously think about one, ask yourself if you are like that pilot in a plane who just hadn’t read the manual yet. Chances are very good you are married to exactly the person you should be married to but have no idea how to behave in order to make your marriage the kind of marriage you deserve.

Now the last question about the children; if you believe your kids will be OK after you get a divorce you have been duped. The kids don’t do OK. You could ask any teacher about what happens to children when their parents are going through divorce. The little boys crumble for all to see and the little girls internalize the suffering. Their lives are shattered and their futures become uncertain. Not only do they not do as well in school, they don’t do as well in life. Yes, there are always some who look like they beat the odds but you don’t have to take that chance with your own children. I don’t believe that you should suffer your entire life in a horrible marriage just for your children. I believe you should make your marriage a blissful satisfying heavenly experience. It would be better to suffer if you had to, rather than destroy the lives of your children. With a full heart say to your spouse, “I love you.”

Paul Friedman, author of http://www.lessonsforahappymarriage.com, entered into the business of helping couples mend their marriages after a very rough personal experience with divorce. Paul came out of an early retirement to become a mediator. His belief was that couples could easily work out the details of separation and get on with their lives. He discovered the truth from his clients: they only sought divorce because the help they found to stay together didn’t work. Read more on Paul Friedman’s blog: http://www.lessonsforahappymarriage.com/relationship-advice-blog.html

5 Devious Devices You Should Quit Using to Punish Your Ex

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 31-01-2009

Divorce does nasty things to nice people and I am hoping you have not allowed your own bruised feelings over the divorce to justify doing nasty things. I’ve seen some divorcees deliberately do things divisively to anger their ex. Your children are watching, hello! Surely, you don’t categorize this mean sighted behavior as beneficial to them?

Some people would say your Inner Child is in control doing all these things. I would say that your inner child is a bit of a brat and needs to grow up. Let’s examine some ways you might be using to punish your ex, and let’s also look at stopping it. Please recall that regardless of the fact that you might not have wanted this divorce yourself, your children certainly did not. I know of no children who were happy about their parents splitting up. So now, you’ve got to put their needs first and give up on your grousing.

1. SPITEFULNESS. This attitude shows malicious ill will and a desire to hurt. It also shows that you’re terribly hurt and you want them to know how much you are hurting. I’d like to suggest that spitefulness really isn’t making anyone feel any bit better for it: you don’t feel better; your ex doesn’t feel better (or understand your hurt); and the children are uncomfortable around you when you do it. Basically, when you use spite, you hurt yourself and your children even more! I’d recommend that when you want to do something spiteful, you ask yourself “What good can come to me or my children from this?” If there is no good accruing, please don’t do it. Try using words to express how hurt you are.

2. REFUSING TO MAKE CHANGES. The court has set up the custody agreement. This is IT and there IS NO DEVIATING! Really? Never? Come on now - there are always circumstances where plans have to be changed. Flexibility is a good thing. Reasonableness is a good thing. Cooperation is a good thing. I realize that there might be times when your ex simply doesn’t want to hold up his end of the bargain and expects you to always be the one to change. I also know that you know the difference between that circumstance and a real reason to change. Be generous. Your kids will appreciate it.

3. ENCOURAGING YOUR KIDS TO PUNISH. Our children are brilliant - all of them. They know exactly how to get inside of us, how to get on our good side, how to get what they want. If you (God forbid) have told them about how you’d like to punish their mother for her evil ways, and they begin to do it for you through stubbornness, bad mouthing, refusal, etc, you lose! You’ve taught them that it’s okay to be vindictive and mean. Is this the dream you have for your children? If you see them do this punishing, have a chat with them and discourage this behavior.

4. ALIENATION OF AFFECTION. Were you the dumper or the dumpee? If you were the dumpee, I’d hazard a guess that you have lost all feelings of affection toward your ex spouse, and now, you’d really like to make her feel the same way you do, so you withhold all affection from her. Am I right? On the law books, old divorces used to be justified because of alienation of affection - one of you was taken out of the marriage contract by a third other. Look. Let’s not make this about blame. Let’s not return malice with vindication. It’s okay to acknowledge your hurt over being dumped. I have a question for you? Just how long do you intend to continue to foster this hurt? That recalls to mind the story of the man who crawled across the desert dying of thirst. “I’m so thirsty. I’m so thirsty” he wailed. He came to an oasis and drank. As he crawled out the other side of the oasis, he wailed “I was so thirsty. I was so thirsty.” Like that.

5. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER: You are so angry your ex left you and took up with “her.” I have a friend who, knowing what a sap her husband makes out of women, calls the new woman “True Love.” So, because you’re so angry at him, you tell your kids that you are their mommy and they don’t have to listen to her. Well, of course they do. If they go to their dad’s home and she lives with him, it’s her home too and she’s got a right to establish reasonable boundaries. (Unreasonable boundaries is not the subject of this paragraph.) Loving kindness begets loving kindness and isn’t this what you’d like your children to experience? Try sitting down the three of you together (you, him, and True Love) and work out something that is beneficial for your children. Children are wrenched apart with adult squabbling, so quit it.

Family Counseling Can Save Marriages

Filed Under (Divorce Drama) by admin on 25-01-2009

The world is reeling under a host of problems, which, if allowed to fester, can bring about the destruction of nations and cultures. Drug addiction, terrorism, mal nutrition, poverty, sickness etc are the major threats to our well being, but comparatively lesser evils like non-compatibility in marriages and the resultant break-ups also can bring about the ultimate social downfall.

The importance of sustained marriages need not be overemphasised here. Like almost all problems faced by us, marriage related problems are also curable. It is easier said than done because marriage is the bringing together of two individuals with different mind sets, tastes and attitudes. At the marriage ceremony, the priest or the conductor tries to drive into the minds of the partners the necessity for adjustments and realignments in order to achieve a blissful married life.

Breaking up of families affects the children more than the adults. Such negative occurring creates an indelible mark on the impressionable minds of youngsters, thereby affecting their outlook towards married life. As a society, we attach great importance to living with the same partner through our lives, but many of us fail to achieve this desirable goal.

It is the realities in life that cause rift between husband and wife. In some cases, the partners are able to sort out everything amongst them, but in most occasions, they neither have the patience nor the inclination to work towards an agreement. In such cases, marriage family counselling by an expert is the only way out.

It is a fact that in many cases, such marriage family counsellors have actually succeeded to stop divorce. They try to drill into the heads of the warring parties that marriage is a journey together and conscious efforts need to be taken to make it a successful journey. The most common reasons for break-ups are infidelity by one or both partners, lack of understanding on issues affecting them, breaking up of communication channels, long distances in between and emotional abuse such as neglect. In some cases, it is just boredom that drives the partners apart.

Many marriages fall apart due to the lack of knowledge about professionals in the field of saving marriages. Experienced marriage family counsellors have actually mended fences, even in severe cases. The only stepping stone for many couples is the reluctance to enlist such professional help.

Couples can refer to marriage supporting tools like books and CDs brought out by well known marriage family counsellors to find ways to sort out problems. Attending marriage fitness camps, where the couple is made to interact with counsellors for long periods, may also help. Marriage fitness camps comprises of one-to-one phone sessions where both partners are counselled individually, with or without the presence of the other partner. Question and answer sessions, seminars and homework assignments (which should be completed by the partners together) are also part of such attempts to bring about peace between partners. E-mail sessions run by counsellors can also help to stop divorce.

A novel idea is the marriage fitness tele-boot camp where study and action material are delivered to your address. This is the best marriage counselling method where one of the partners is unwilling to get counselled in the presence of the other.

Author: Roberta Goche - Want to get your marriage back on track? Go to a marriage family counseling program and stop divorce now. If you want to get more information on marriage and family counseling then feel free to visit marriagemax.com.